Time to purge

Regret is a powerful feeling, so much so I did something ridiculous tonight. In red texta I wrote a list of regrettable things which occurred over the past year, carried the list outside and took a lit match to it. Some things on the list were small, yet just as energy sapping, such as stressing and cursing whilst in traffic. Sometimes I lost compassion for people who deserved it the most or I became rather competitive. The usual one of living an unhealthy lifestyle was written below a truly regrettable experience which I won't detail here as it's still mortifying to me that it occurred.

I watched the list burn quickly in my green waste bin, causing a small amount of dry plant matter in the bin to alight and quite a lot of smoke to rise up. At that exact moment, my elderly neighbour who is prone to fits of shouting, also came out into her yard but I ran inside to get some water, doused the inferno and shut the lid on the bin before she could find out what I had done.

Akin to say, astrology or pixies, I don't usually believe in things like that, though the symbolism of burning a list of abominable occurrences is not lost on me. I guess in the past I have tried numerous times to tell myself to 'get over it' without much success and long lasting regret is something which I can't remember not experiencing. It seems ingrained, a lifetime habit that can't just be kicked, but requires concerted and deliberate action over a period of time.

This act is now a memory, made that much more vivid by my panic at the smoke and my neighbour's presence about 2 metres away. As I type this, my clothes and hair still smell faintly of smoke. I guess this was an attempt to check myself the next time I start feeling mournful for past mistakes or behaviour. Committed to memory, it will tell me that when I burned my list tonight, I was filled with such strong intentions to fulfill those wishes. Remembrance can be just as powerful a motivator.

Of course the effect of removing such things from my life can only be good and not at all outrageous or illogical. Nothing like burning a list in a green waste bin on a Friday evening.